First,  why do you have to learn to live? Mainly, because surviving cancer also comes with a set of challenges. In some ways you may never be your former self. That has been a personal struggle. There is so much fear associated with a diagnosis of cancer.  It is indescribable.  I am always trying to achieve the things I used to do. I used to exercise hard and often. I try to maintain that standard…but, I simply CAN NOT.  I have to learn what ‘normal’ will look like for me from here on.  Normal for me, means that my new emotional barriers are that I live with fear, limitations, and a heightened awareness of my body. Each day I will wake up and overcome.

1 Year Post Chemotherapy

I have a new normal. My new normal is a different version of myself. I need to Learn to love that person, love her with all her flaws and qualities.  Learning to live meant that I had to except the things about life that I cannot change. I fall often.  I fall when I least expect it.  I have fallen while holding my son. This was a humbling moment for me. I realized that I may never be my version ‘normal’ again.

I was a healthy person before my cancer diagnosis. Since diagnosis and treatment I struggle with a number of health conditions likely induced by drugs I have taken to survive cancer. I often speak with cancer survivors and ask them what day to day struggles they have. Common answers are neuropathy, falling, chemo fog, and fatigue. The most common noted complaint is anxiety about getting cancer again.  As you survive you may have several visits to the hospital, there will be days when you cannot get out of bed, you may not be recognizable to yourself and others you know, you may suffer from depression…but coping with the side effects is a part of surviving.

Learn to embrace each day.  The reality is that many with our condition will not wake up to see the day. You have the good fortune to see another day.

Love every single second of the life you have. 

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Will I ever be the same again?

The answer to this question depends on the individual.  I have spoken with some people who had minimal side effects and others had every single side effect.  There are many people who return to their pre-cancer life.  People return to work, have children, and return to their normal physical activity.  I have always been extremely active.  I am still active. However, my life now is a different version of the experiences I had during chemotherapy.  I am not the same as I was before diagnosis.  I am different, I see the world differently. My body is different. My mind is different. I am different.

The right side of my body (my cancer side) is different from my non cancer side. I have lymphedema in my right arm and hand. As well as arthritis, neuropathy, and carpel tunnel on my right side. The neuropathy extends to both of my feet and can make it very difficult to be steady on my feet.  Makes it hard to dance sometimes, but I do my best anyways. I surround myself with people who love me. I dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening (even if my husband is), and live like there is no tomorrow. This new life has given me the freedom to be unapologetically ME!

I never take my days for granted. Everyday is a gift from GOD. Cancer can take so much from you. I look at what it gave me. A new lease on life. I do not sweat the small stuff and I truly understand what privilege it is for me to be able to celebrate each birthday.  To grow old is a privilege! And, it’s not a privilege afforded to everyone.

3 years of Surviving

Its been 3 years since my diagnosis. My life is full and happy. I am still a zumba instructor but I have been unable to return to work because of my current medical health status.  After my 5th chemotherapy and a dose of Neulasta I had a seizure. Since that day I have had continuous seizures. I am also very unstable on my feet. I have to be very careful about were I walk and whats on the floor because I fall very easily. My doctor believes that I am unsteady on my feet because of the neuropathy.  The neuropathy is a side effect of the chemotherapy.

I speak with many other breast cancer survivors and I find that falling is common. The chemo fog is also pretty common. I was also surprised to find out how often people who develop heart conditions and other medical problems. My advise to any new survivors, is  to always go to the doctors. Get your bloodwork, and check anything that you think isn’t right! YOU know you body better than anyone! If you feel like a doctor isn’t listening, then get another doctor. YOU only have one life to live, don’t leave it in the hands of someone who speaks to you for 2 minutes and is out of the door.

If you have read this far then you deserve to see ‘the girls’! I asked my surgeon to give me an A cup. This is what I have:

I believe they are 36 DD! Not an A cup! But I am stuck with them.