I have always been active in raising awareness for breast cancer. I have complete walks, run, cycling classes, I wear a pink ribbon, and wear pink in the month of October….blah, blah blah…..I even did breast exams all the time. In actuality, I was feeling my boobs with no expectation of finding anything. I had never given consideration to WHAT I would do IF I found a lump.

While taking a bath I noticed an irritation under my arm. I feel it to see what it is. Hmm, what is this? It wasn’t here before. Oh well, maybe it will go away. I don’t want to make a big deal over nothing. Over the next few weeks it continues to irritate me. I say to my friend, ‘Hey, I have their weird bump under my arm’. She exclaims, ‘ You better go get that checked out’. “yea sure”, I say. This is October 2014. I call the local health department for an appointment. The receptionist moans, and fumbles papers a bit. She seems irritated that I want an appointment. She finally sais, what about December 3rd!

SURE, I’ll TAKE IT!! 

Life is for the INSURED

I continue to monitor my lump. I am a bit concerned but not in a state of panic. I mean,

after all, it can’t be much. I feel healthy. I go to the local health department because they are the most affordable.  On the date of the doctors visit I also have a sinus infection and a few other mild complaints but I have no health insurance. When I see the doctor I am telling him all of the issues I have. The nurse tells me that ‘The doctor can only hear 1 issue at a time’.  Oooooh-K,’but I’ve t got this lump under my arm!’ She grumbles and fusses a little more under her breath. Something about retiring and these doctors.  I am already discouraged.

At this point in my life I am a stay at home mom. We went through a lot to get my son. Naturally, I stopped working to raise him. My husband works full time. My decision to stop working comes with a loss of insurance and a lapse in my Aflac policy. I had 2 cancer policies, additional insurance, life insurance, etc.  I freely relinquish these things to stay home with my son.

Oh NO! Not now, why NOW?!

Why is the doctor asking me for all these tests, doesn’t he know I am a stay at home mom! Shssh!  I have a monogram, ultrasound, nuclear medicine scan,  and several other imagining tests. No one will say I have cancer. Scheduling the tests is cumbersome and overwhelming! At this point I am so scared that I cannot sleep at night. My hair begins to fall out. I have bald spots in my hair. MRI’s and CT Scans need to be competed without insurance.  Of course I try to read the reports. I see a lot about breast density. I have no idea what any of it means.

I take each of the several tests. Each test is more embarrassing than the last. People see my breasts all of the time. Tests, tests, and more tests.  All of which were paid for in cash. We probably spent about $3,500. When I went for ultrasound, the tech started to ask me questions like, does the bump hurt, do I have a lump, how many lumps, etc. She took a long sigh! I could tell she was concerned and hurting for me.

I finally get a referral to a surgeon. I met with the surgeon he pokes and pushes on my breasts and tells me the words I have heard at least 10 times, ‘its probably nothing’. But we will remove it so that you can feel better’. He is very nonchalant and sais, ‘its a remote possibility that its something.’ I have been blown off and dismissed so much I am starting to feel like I am crazy. The surgeon concludes my exam with comments, ‘I will take out the lump to make you feel good. I know your going to worry so I will remove it’. At this point the doctors are cynical, almost condescending. I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac. Nevertheless I go for the surgery and have the lump removed.

A week or so later I go for follow-up with the surgeon. He sais my biopsy tested positive for cancer. I don’t remember much after because I blacked out. What happened to me being young, and healthy, its probably nothing? I can’t have cancer and a BABY!  God, are you punishing me. I have not been perfect but I do not think I deserve this. I am too ashamed to tell my family. I know they will say did something wrong and God is punishing me. I am to overwhelmed to deal with criticism right now. All I can think about is not raising my son. How do I want to live for the last days of my life? I cannot describe how overwheling this is.

The doctors appointments start. I go to a local clinic that sees people with chronic conditions for free.  Several people examine my breasts but no one can find a lump. The small lump under my arm was removed for biopsy. While visiting a doctor I looked around and at least 5 people in the room. My breasts are out! They are all trying to find the lump. As each fail to find the lump they call for another person to come examine me. They are having casual conversation about how young I am and how its hard to believe I have cancer. My husband and son are also with me.  I feel like a side show.
A nurse/medical assistant sais, “if your gonna have cancer, breast cancer is the one you want’. He has a smirk on his face.  Dude! ReaLLy!

I have bald spots in my hair from the stress but I still have hair!! Ha,Ha….its the little things in life that bring so much joy. I have hair and BOOBS!  Everything is a struggle.  I wake up everyday for my son. My mom has passed away approximately 6 months prior to diagnosis. I wonder what I did wrong to deserve this.

‘God Please forgive me. My entire life unfolds in my mind. I an unhappy with the choices I made. I must have done incredibly wrong because I have cancer. God, please let me fix it. Please let me raise my son.’

After diagnosis, my breast navigator gets me excepted as a patient at Moffitt Cancer Center. I have no idea what that is but she seems excited that they are taking me as a patient. So I say ok, I will drive 6 hours each day of my appointments at the Moffitt Cancer Center.

I go to my first appointment at the cancer center. There are many faces of cancer. The faces are young, old, happy, sad, and every shade of color and nationality imaginable. People catch the bus, some drive and some come in limos. Cancer does not discriminate. We are all hear together for the same purpose. The lucky patients have a love one with them. But, some are alone. After meeting with my surgeon and several more biopsies we decide to proceed with chemotherapy. First step is to get a medical port installed so that I can receive chemotherapy as easily as possible.

I report to Moffitt to have my port installed. I am afraid. I mean really afraid. I havent slept and I am a nervous wreck. A very pleasant lady calls my name and I rise in response. I head back, back behind the doors that are reserved for the sick and their loved ones. She gives me the regular speak about taking all of my clothes off and putting them in a plastic bag. My nurse arrives. He is a male nurse, possibly Hispanic.  He is upbeat and reassuring. He talked to me about what going to happen. He listened to mall of my fears and concerned. He really listened, he looked me in the eyes when I spoke and he allowed me to finish all of my sentences.  It is crazy how comforting this was. After all, I have cancer, this isn’t curing the cancer but it sure is making me feel better. I am afraid so my nurse tells me that he will be with me for the entire surgery.

Through the drug induced haze I wake up and look for his kind face. He is there. I see him moving about in the surgery room. I hear his voice and I am comforted. I officially have a port installed and I am ready for chemo. The day was good.

Frightened to death I head to Moffitt Cancer Center for my first chemo. I check my spouse and my 10 month old into a local hotel. My nurse came to meet me promptly at the time chemo was suppose to start. He is wonderful! He explains every step of what is going to happen. He explains the side effects and does everything he can to make me feel comfortable. I am able to smile in spite of it all.  I receive a host of drugs through IV. These drugs are necessary before they can give me my cancer treatment. My first chemo was pleasant. There was nothing pleasant about what was to come.

My first cancer drug was Adrimycin. It’s also often called Doxorubicin, which is the generic name. It comes in a syringe instead of an I.V. bag and needs to be administered slowly as to not cause additional problems. I saw the happy nurse come in with the red drug. It looked as if he were going to war. They go through an extensive checks and balance system…which is scaring me even more. Then the protective gear: gloves, a paper dressing gown, face mask and goggles.  OK!  The nurse explains what he is doing. This drug is so powerful that it can only be administered very slowly, the nurses push the drug by liters per second. I start to feel the side effects almost immediately!

The side effects:

Sores in my mouth and throat, fatigue, depression, weight gain, loss of vision, discoloring of my fingers and toes. I actually had an eye infection.It made my eye lid and surrounding area sweel up bad enough that it almost closed my eye.  I am still able to manage a smile.

People make comments to me. Awful things that no one should ever say. “Why aren’t you loosing any weight! Don’t you have cancer!”This is horrible and it makes me feel horrible. Current chemotherapy consists of heavy steroid use. I take steroids intravenously and in the pill form. It is nearly impossible to loose weight when taking steroids and being bed ridden for days at a time.  I decide to keep my cancer a secret. I hate the look people give you when they find out. I hate the comments. I hate it all.

The first weird side effect was infections growths. I got a chalazon on my eye and a large boil in my private area.  This chalazon grew everyday. It got large enough were my eye started to close. The boil on my private area became so painful that I had to sit in hot water every night for an hour to ease the pain. Eventually it did burst. My level of pain and discomfort at this point is a daily 6.

Everything is different once you have cancer.  Your family, friends, finances, etc. There is nothing untouched after cancer touches YOU! Everything changes from how you look at life, to how you handle strangers in Target. Your demise is something that is all too real! How much do your ‘loved ones’ truly love you? Will your job put up with time off requests? Will you be able to have children? or, Can you raise the children you have? All things that you gave little consideration to before cancer.

Everyone with cancer wants to beat it. However, everyone won’t. It can become difficult to live when you see so many die. How does God decide, and will you be one of the chosen few to continue to live?